'Space Dirt' - Reaver

Silk: Hey, I'm Silk, and this is...

Julie: Goooooood morning, Internet!

Silk: (gives Julie a strange look) ...Robin Williams...?

Julie: Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Space Dirt", the one-stop place for exclusive interviews with celebrities from all around the UPP.

Silk: ...brought to you by your two favorite columnists, who'll go anywhere, no matter how dangerous, to bring our readers the best gossip in the quadrant. As of right now we're in a space pod en route to where we're going to hold our next interview.

Julie: And we're also trying out our new broadcast station.

Silk: Yeah! Last time, in our interview with Suzee we announced that we were moving to our very own website. Well, here we are, and we're busy settling in, so if anything doesn't work right... it's Julie's fault.

Julie: Hey! I'm not the one who forgot to book somebody last time!

Silk: Well, I'm sorry.

Julie: (snaps) Well, don't worry. I booked someone.

Silk: You did?

Julie: Yeah. I'm glad you don't seem to object to dangerous stuff, because...

Silk: You got Warlord Shank, didn't you? And on such short notice! Julie, you're really...

Julie: (sighs) No, I didn't get Warlord Shank.

Silk: You didn't?

Julie: No.

Silk: Well, OK, who did you get?

Julie: (even bigger sigh) Reaver, the Space Pirate.

(silence)

Silk: (whispers to Julie) You have got to be kidding!

Julie: Hey! Don't blame me about who I arranged for us to interview. If you'd booked someone in the first place, we'd be interviewing someone else!

Silk: Oh, yeah? Well...

Reaver: (over comm system, with a bit of exaggerated charm) Hello, ladies... so glad you could come. Let me just bring your pod onto my ship.

Julie: No problem! (to Silk) Shut up and deal with it, would you?

Silk: Yeah, well, if he even tries to hit on me, you're toast.

Julie: (gives her a dirty look)

(The shuttle enters the landing bay. Julie and Silk get out and are greeted by Ubi.)

Silk: (hiding behind Julie) He has a gun!

(They start whispering to each other)

Julie: These are pirates, y'know. Besides, it's holstered.

Silk: This was a bad idea, Julie.

Julie: It's just a gun...

Silk: Just a gun? Just a gun? Whatever! And Ubi's a cat...

Julie: So?

Silk: So... We'll get fur all over our clothes!

Julie: We can always get them cleaned.

Silk: But you don't understand...

Ubi: (heads toward them, suspiciously) What are you two talking about?

(Silk backs up even farther, away from Ubi)

Julie: (giving Silk a funny look) Oh, um, nothing. Silk was just commenting that your gun looks very impressive.

Ubi: (less suspiciously) I see. Follow me.

Julie: (goes over, pulls Silk forward, then gives her a mock bow) After you.

(Silk glares at Julie, and goes first, holding her collar up over her nose)

(inside the ship)

Reaver: Well, I trust your trip was pleasant?

Julie: Just lovely. Uh... nice ship you've got here.

Silk: Uh, yeah. I especially love the uh, skull on the outside of the hull.

Reaver: A pirate classic, after all.

Julie: So what's it like being a space pirate, anyway?

Reaver: Well, pretty fun actually. A good life. Yep, stealing from people, hijacking ships, dealing in contraband items, running from the long arm of the law...

Julie: (mutters) We have a real winner here...

Silk: So, how'd you get that ugly scar on the top of your head? It's huge!

Reaver: (smiles) Oh, this? (he points to the scar) Just a little... modification. It never hurts to have a few extra abilities when you're a pirate.

Julie: (incredulously) You let someone tinker with your brain?

Reaver: Why not? No harm done. And it proves quite handy, after all. (he goes over, picks up a stray tool, and bends it)

Silk: (impressed) Wow. I thought only Andromedans could do that.

Reaver: And myself, thanks to this here scar.

Silk: Now I understand why you have no hair on most of your head; I'd been wondering.

Julie: (sees that Reaver's offended and tries to get the situation back under control) But how did you get that other scar, the one on your right cheek?

Reaver: (all traces of good mood gone, has totally forgotten Silk's statement) Commander Seth Goddard! (spits) He had to get in my way!

Silk: (aside to Julie) Oh, nice one. Way to get him mad.

(Julie looks at Silk incredulously)

Reaver: (continuing) I'm gonna pay him back for it one of these days.

Julie: So what did happen, exactly?

Reaver: I had just cut a deal with some aliens out on the rim. But I guess somebody had tipped off the UPP, because they sent one of their ships after me. And who should I find on board, but my old friend, Commander Goddard.

Silk: Your "old friend"?

Reaver: Well, in a manner of speaking. We went to the Starcademy together.

Julie: You went to the Starcademy?

Reaver: Once upon a galaxy, yeah.

Silk: (mutters) Well, I guess they'll let just about anyone in, then.

Julie: But you didn't stay there.

Reaver: (shakes head) Wasn't my style. I mean, it was all morals, and "help your fellow man", and all that. And following orders...

Silk: And the fact that you were flunking out, maybe?

Reaver: (angrily) I wanted to be my own man! Do what I wanted, go where I wanted to! During one of our field tests we had a run-in with a space pirate. We boarded his ship and arrested him, but I managed to help him escape, and convinced him that I wanted out of the Starcademy. He showed me the ropes, and I gave the `cademy my walking papers.

Julie: And Goddard didn't like that much.

Reaver: He was our cadet squad leader. (mockingly) The epitome of everything the Starcademy was about. Anyway, my splitting was probably a blow to his pride.

Julie: But then you ran into him later, after somebody tipped him off.

Reaver: (grinning devilishly) If he was angry about having to chase a pirate, he was even angrier when he saw it was me. He chased me halfway across the galaxy, just about. Right into the territory of a race of very unfriendly aliens.

Silk: What race were they?

Reaver: (shrugs) I have no idea. But they didn't like strangers, and they didn't take too kindly to myself and Goddard being in their space. They attacked our ships, and we were both badly damaged. I had to make an emergency landing, and Goddard followed me.

Julie: And you got away?

Reaver: Actually, no. He ended up capturing me, and throwing me in the brig of his ship. Then he and his crew had to deal with the aliens. I'm not sure what finally ended up happening, but whatever it was, it obviously didn't sit well with his superiors.

Silk: So how did you ever escape?

Reaver: Well, it seems my sidekick Ubi was a resourceful type even then. He was secretly working for a member of the alien race we ran into. I guess his employer was cutting him a raw deal, though, because he wanted out.

Julie: (doubtfully) And he thought that you would be a better choice?

Reaver: (proudly) I guess my reputation had gone before me.

Julie: (somewhat sarcastically) Of course.

Reaver: (ignoring her) Anyway, he came on board to spring me out. But he tripped the security alarm while doing it. Goddard and his security flunkies showed up promptly, just like the good little soldiers they are. Before Ubi could telemorph us out Goddard grazed me with a laser pistol.

Silk: And that's where you got that scar.

Reaver: That's right, little lady. Ubi telemorphed us to my ship in the shuttle hold, and we split. I got away scot-free, and Goddard was left taking the rap.

Julie: How devious of you.

Reaver: Isn't it, though? (one of the consoles makes a beeping noise) If you'll excuse me a minute...

Julie: Oh, sure, no problem.

(Reaver heads over to check the console)

Julie: (annoyed) Little lady?

Silk: Just remember, this was your idea.

Julie: Don't remind me.

Silk: I just did!

Julie: Well, don't do it again!

Silk: OK, I won't!

Reaver: (looking over at them) Is there a problem, ladies?

Silk: (glaring at Julie) Oh, none at all.

(Ubi enters the room)

Silk: (sniffles a bit)

Ubi: Reaver, we have a slight problem with one of the consoles in Engineering.

Reaver: Oh, great. I'll go fix it. "Keep them company" in the meantime, okay? (Aside to Ubi) Don't let them snoop around.

Ubi: Sure. No problem.

Reaver: Thanks, Ubi. (slaps him on the back)

(Reaver leaves the room)

Silk: (sneezes) Ah-choo!

Julie: Bless you.

Silk: Thanks. (sneezes again)

Julie: Are you OK, Silk?

Silk: Oh yeah, fine. (she starts scooting her chair away from Ubi)

Julie: So, Ubi, you've been traveling with ol' Reaver for a while, eh?

Ubi: Looks like.

Julie: So, you can be honest with us. Why do you really travel with that... individual?

Silk: (goes into a coughing fit)

Julie: Silk, if you're going to die on me, this is a bad place to do it.

Silk: (with a stuffed nose) I'll live, really.

Julie: Well, Ubi?

Ubi: He has his uses.

Julie: But you're the real brains in this pair, aren't you?

(Silk scoots her chair straight into the wall, and lets out a squeak of surprise)

Julie: Silk... you're not allergic to fur, are you?

Silk: Well... maybe just... a little...

Ubi: I'm sorry to hear that.

(He walks over toward her a bit. Silk lets out a sound of dismay)

Julie: So, you uh, ever think of taking over the ship?

Ubi: (stops walking over to Silk) Why should I? I can accomplish much more being in the background, after all.

Julie: (considers this) Good point.

Silk: (trying to keep away from Ubi) You know, Suzee once said...

(Reaver comes back onto the bridge)

Reaver: Suzee? You mean Goddard's little telepathic brat?

Silk: Uh, well...

Reaver: (sweetly) You wouldn't happen to know where Goddard and his crew are, would you?

Silk: Haven't a clue, really.

Ubi: (gets a little closer to her) Are you... certain?

Silk: (starts sneezing) Positive!

Julie: (stands in between Reaver and Ubi, and Silk) Gentlemen, gentlemen. You know, we've had just about enough for one interview. We really should be getting back, before our boss gets mad at us... Mr. R. hates it when we don't get the column in on time...

Reaver: 'Cause if you do know, we would really like to hear it...

Silk: (squeaks)

Julie: And... (she drags Silk along with her) Silk here is really a mess... I should get her to some fresh air...

Ubi: Not so fast, ladies...

(Julie and Silk start running)

Julie: (panting) This is uh, Julie, signing off... another segment... of "Space Dirt". We hope... to catch you... next time... that is, if these guys don't... catch us... (mutters) I'd better get paid extra for this, Mr. R. ... and Silk, why didn't you tell me you were allergic to fur?

Silk: I... ah-choo!... tried to tell you... ah-choo!... when we first got here!

Julie: Yeah, well, and you just had to mention Suzee, didn't you?

Silk: Sorry! (sneezes)

(laser beams whiz over their heads)

Silk: I knew... (cough) this was a bad... (wheeze) idea!